Things continue to change

Well, here I am.

The reason that I haven’t been updating my blog is because I’ve been busy living a roller coaster of a relationship with a guy.

In between the space of the last and this posting, a relationship began and ended. It actually ended twice…

For the past 2 months, I had been involved with a guy who I met through a friend. We had a connection that I still think was special. We were able to be utterly honest with each other. But with totally honesty comes pain…mostly on my end.

In the beginning of the relationship, I had thought that I was the one keeping the distance. I didn’t want to get too involved with this person because I thought I wasn’t truly in love with them. It was my first relationship and thinking statistically, it wasn’t going to be my last. So with that utilitarian frame in mind, I thought I was just exploring and seeing where things went.

Turns out, I had underestimated how much that other person wanted to be with me. In the end, it was he who wanted to break up because he wasn’t sure he really loved me. The thing I really admired about our short-lived relationship was that we could be so honest and I was happy that he told me the truth as soon as he realized it. It was painful for me to hear him say it and it was totally unexpected how I felt about it. I had thought that I would be able to handle a break up, but in reality I had underestimated my own feelings towards him. I cried. I cried so much. He did too. Looking back on the whole roller coaster, I think I really did love him.

We tried being friends and all. I was actually determined not to become one of those people that says they want to be friends but never do. We had shared something special and if we were no longer together, I at least wanted to salvage the closeness and friendship we felt towards each other. It would have been a shame to lose that connection.

Our resulting “friendship” was complicated to say the least. We would still act like boyfriends but in the back of our minds we knew it couldn’t last. We were going to move on and meet other people.

Well, an hour ago, he called. He had gone on a date with a guy and went back to his apartment. I don’t really have to explain what happened next, but at least he was honest enough to tell me what had transpired.

I’m trying really hard to feel happy for him…I mean, if it means he’s happier with that other person, then that’s what I want for him. I want him to be happy. Of course there’s that side of me that's extremely upset and sad…but that makes me feel like I’m really selfish, so I try to push those thoughts out….

After he hung up, I was shivering. I didn’t really know why. It was like I was freezing, but I wasn’t cold at all. I think what I’m feeling right now is total isolation. There was this person that I was extremely close to and now there’s no one. I am alone. Before I got in this relationship, I didn’t mind being single…but now that I’ve experienced the closeness and comfort that a boyfriend can provide, I feel…cold.

So now it’s officially over. Only now do I understand why those couples that say they want to be friends don’t work out. It’s too painful to see someone that you once cared for so deeply to be in another person’s arms. It’s almost less painful not to see them at all.

Through all this pain, I don’t regret meeting him and getting involved. We shared many happy moments that I would not trade for anything.

I truly hope he finds happiness.